theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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