The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Randomize
