omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize