sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
There are leaves in my underwear?
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