Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
