If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
