Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
