When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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