my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
