I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
