I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
