Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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