You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
