she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
