I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
