38 yer olds are good kisserssss
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize