i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
