The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
