We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
