when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
