so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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