I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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