I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
