What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
