I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
