Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
