he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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