Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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