i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
