The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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