dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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