dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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