I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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