I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
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