You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
