I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
it's great music for shaving your balls
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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