well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize