Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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