Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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