I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
