u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
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