in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize