His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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