dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I need water and some morals
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize