This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
