when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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