Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
