I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
