I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
