remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
