I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
