4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
