you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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