If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I fill condoms, not promises.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
