i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
