Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
