I cannot find my penis.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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