chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
