Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
