The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
