I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
